Daughter Reagan gave me a handy little book for Christmas Stuff Every Man Should Know. It is a pretty good summary of things to know from how to tie a tie to pickup lines in 5 languages. (Little quiz here – see if you can translate the following classic pick up line – Tu viens souvent ici? (French) Vienes aqui a menudo? (Spanish) Kommet du oft hier? (German) and Vieni qua spesso? (Italian?) Answer below.
But probably the most useful of all these tips in this book of things to know is the following:
How to Fart in Public and Get Away With It
We’ve all been there. The urge creeps up. The panic sets in. What do I do? If you can’t escape to a private location, here are a few tips to consider:
– Move to the noisiest place you can find. Noise will mask the sound.
– Move to the most crowded place you can find…..a large number of people will help deflect the blame.
– At the moment of release, create a noisy distraction such as coughing, slamming a drawer or dropping a heavy object……
– At the first natural opportunity, exit the area. Walk confidently but not too quickly. You don’t want to look like you are fleeing a crime scene.
– If you can not leave the area, consider passing the blame. Small children, pets and the elderly are obvious targets.
Tip: You can avoid this situation completely by making smart dietary choices. Of course no two digestive systems are alike, so experiment with different foods to determine which ones affect you the most. As a general rule, it is wise to avoid the following “high risk” foods before any party or social function: beans (particularly baked beans), broccoli, brussel sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, chili, grains, and fiber (especially pumpernickel bread) onions, oysters and salads.
Answer (from above) and more pick up lines only all in English: